flashbacks

there are several days and nights that I will never forget or want to miss. But there is one day and one night I don't want to recap anymore, but the flashbacks come and go.
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was never that vulnerable. I was grateful and I still am that I have friends who were there for me, however I don't want to see their expressions from that night and morning anymore. It hurts. Every time I think I could have it another way, but I can't. That's probably why I am so afraid. Everyone is moving on, but still together. And here am I, alone, working and not doing anything besides planning how much longer I am stuck in this.
I knew I had to leave at some point but it still seems surreal, that I was there and that it's over and yes 'High School wasn't meant to last forever' but that's not what it's about.. It's about the memories and the people. I mean, how am I supposed to cope with it. I am not here, well physically but not mentally and I don't want to be.
Why am I holding on?
I knew it will be over but I would have never thought it would be this hard.Maybe I know it won't be the same when we see each other again, and it's a good reason for some of them to not talk to me again. I understand that.


[Daylight - Maroon5]

Still, I might be on a good way and hope I am, there is no darker place, that I have ever seen, than the inside of myself. I still hate myself not as much as I used to but still a lot and I think it is hard to explain to people. I often hear that people get themselves into depression because they just have negative thought but people don't know a thing. Honestly, depression is a serious illness. and if someone with depression has a better day it doesn't mean he's not depressed anymore, the day is still grey just without the rain. things will get better, eventually but you can't force it. Depression is one of the worst things this world has seen. Depression changes the character of a person, a lot of people can act around it so people around them don't realize it but that it is just so they won't throw a pity party or tell them that they should stop making everything negative. But telling someone with depression to just think positively is like telling someone with a broken leg to just run the marathon.

Sometimes, I start to wonder how my life would be if things turned out in an ordinary life of a girl. I mean all the things that had happened. What if this was just a dream and I will wake up living in a house with my whole family and my aunts and grandma would actually love me. But then again I guess this all happened for a reason and the family I have is closer than anything else.
However, I sometimes wonder about how I would be if I never had been bullied or bulimic. I will never know I just hope, in the end, everything will turn out just right, although it might be hard just now.
Recovery, always sounds so easy to people but it is everything but that. You will have times when everything's just comes right back in your face but there will also be times where you feel like you could conquer the oceans. Breakdowns just come and go but it is good because I believe you learn from it. What to do and what not to do. I believe that there will be a day when I can say I am happy and that nothing's gonna bring me down. And that I now say and wrote that I believe in that one day I actually believe myself. I hope and long for that day because I just really want to be at a state of mind where I can say that I am truly happy. I want to be able that I truly love myself and that I won against my demons. I am glad that I made it this day and I will start to make every day the best day although nothing exciting or great is happening. I will do it for me because I need to make sure to get better and to accept myself.
After several years, of pain I made a decision to show the world who I wanted to be seen as, I am still on that way but I am getting closer each day. Especially, since I found a place where I could be myself and where I was appreciated. I just started as the new girl and people liked me for me and who I was, they were friends with me for who I am. Most of them will probably never fully understand why they made me so happy to belong somewhere and to be called a good friend. They didn't judge me and for once I truly felt like home because it's true friends are the family you choose to have. And those people are my family and I mean it, I feel like I have known them for much longer and that's why it is this hard to be so far away and not being able to just see them or catch up. I just hope it will be as it was and we will make some even greater memories when we see each other again. I am happy to call a place so far away home, although it is hard to be on the other side.
It is nice to know that people do love you for who you are even though you are still trying to love and accept yourself. People who believe in you and support you.
I think I am on a good way, hard times will come and go but that's why we should appreciate the present and don't take people who are there for you for granted.

it's funny how hard it is to explain when you have an answer but you are too afraid to tell it. maybe you are too afraid of the reaction or just not strong enough. i definitely know that i don't trust people enough,.. a lot of people think they know me but most of them don't. yes, i talk a lot and they might think they know a ton but they just don't.
As soon as i think i can trust a person or they start to slightly understand me, something happens so i lose that trust again. Sometimes, they say they are okay with who i am and who i was but they slowly turn around and leave even though they promised to be different and nothing would change.

your broken promises, lies and secrets

Isn't funny how when we trust someone and let our walls down because we think they won't hurt us they will?
Over the last few years I built my walls so high that I barely trust anyone and it takes a lot to win my trust. Although it seems like I am really outgoing and everything, it's a show. People, don't understand me. And every time they did, they made sure to break my heart after I trusted them and open my heart to them. That's why I am not that easy. But honestly, I wish I could just trust. Without regrets or anything.
I did trust people in my life, but most of the time they showed me why I shouldn't. However, once more I did and it was really hard for me but I thought I can trust that person even though we haven't known each other for long. But it doesn't matter about the time or quantity, it's about the memories and the quality of the friendship or whatever connection you have with someone. So, this is really hard.. but I opened up to that person and believe me this was the hardest and easiest thing to do because I felt comfortable. I finally felt like someone, that I was important to someone, as a friend. The person liked me for who I was and for who I longed to be and I thought this was worth something to the both of us.
There were promises that person made and it seemed so honest but apparently it wasn't, since I can't shake the feeling off that I was somehow used. Why? Well the person doesn't seem so close anymore since some things changed and yes I do understand but what I don't is how I was called a best friend. Because if that's how you treat your friends than I don't want to be one of those anymore, it hurts and it sucks. I am not blaming anyone but I knew this would happen but you promised it wouldn't so what am I supposed to even think or do because I am tired of just being there as a back up plan or a person to use when you feel sad because other people don't have time for you.
If you meant the promises you made I wouldn't be feeling like a no one and idiot again. Even though I hate to admit it, I knew this would happen again and I might just don't trust anymore and I probably won't let these wall fall down to show someone who I actually am. You broke your promises and I can't even say that you are a good friend anymore. And honey coating everything doesn't make this any better and I really feel horrible.
I thought things would be safe and secrets would be safe with you but I don't really think they are and especially now that I can't control it anymore.

You don't know how much I cried over this friendship. It just hurts and maybe you think I am over exaggerating but this is not how I thought it would be. I knew you would stop talking with me and we both know the reason but that is not even a good one.
I am just hurt and disappointed not only in you but in me for telling you basically everything and what I have been through. You hit me at my most vulnerable spot. And I was never in love with you at any time.
This is not written in any angry way but more in a really hurt and sad way, because I don't know how to handle this and if I want to handle this anymore if I am the only one trying to make an effort in that so called friendship.

Just a last note, I thought you were different and I trusted you.  

take a step back, breathe and start over

I think it's hard to keep up with everything,.. and I don't mean with writing the blog, writing songs or doing different things. 

I mean keeping up with life, have you ever just stopped doing what you're doing to take a step back and just watch what is happening around you?

how are we supposed to know how we should feel and what to do at such a young age. People will tell you to keep on dreaming and to work for your dreams but most of them don't realize it how hard that is. You could just miss out, I mean you miss out on life when you constantly work and you don't see your friends anymore.. 

However, taking a step back and just rest for a bit without feeling judged would be great but that is also not really happening. Most of us just say we are too busy to just relax or go out at night. I think. we should just take a risk, I mean what is there to lose besides great memories you are missing out on, but I am one to talk about that...

Being afraid of the new is just human but we should stop looking for excuses to not go and find out what there is for us, what this life holds for us. 

Take a step back, read a good book, relax and just be yourself. There will never be anything wrong with being yourself and if people think so, they don't belong in your life. And yes, it is hard to sort out all these thing, to lose people you thought who were really good friends to you but I guess this is all just a part of growing up. Losing, letting go and hurting, there will open another door right? You go through rough times, but don't we all?! I know it is hard to believe in the moment you lose someone but they only bring you down and they will bring out the worse in you, so just let it go and after a while it will be better. It will make sense. Eventually. 

So, call an old friend or message them. Maybe it seems slightly weird and awkward in the beginning but maybe they were wondering what you were doing the past years and months. You will never know if you don't take that risk, you know. And even if they don't answer or respond, they will be happy that someone special from their past was still thinking of them because we all have our downs.

Tell people you love them, it doesn't matter if the one you are in love with right now doesn't love you the same way because they will appreciate you telling them. It's hard to believe that rejection is good for us. They are happy and glad someone loved them because how do they know you do, if you never say it.

Tell your friends how important they are to you, and even if they just say 'thank you but we are friends you don't have to tell me'. Secretly they are really happy and longing to hear it. How do I know? Well, I would be happy and I am happy if someone told me they are loving me for who I am. And with loving I mean in a friendly way. People don't understand that you love your friends and you can tell them you do and that you are glad to have them because it is important to you and if it is to you so it will to your friends.

Tomorrow, take just a few minutes for yourself, listen to your favorite music and relax. Tell someone how you feel about them because you will be happier and relieved after it.

Leaving, losing, missing and forgetting..

"It's strange that most of the time we never think of people leaving and you just think that they will always be around. Then, one day, they are gone and you have this big empty space inside your chest. But, that's all I know so far. I don't know if you ever stop missing them or if one day you can let them back into your life and hope that they won't hurt you again."

This reminds me of the situation I am in. I mean how do I know if people are true to what they say if I already went through this in another country. The losing and hurting part. I am done with that. I am happy who I became and thankful for the people who helped me to see that I am worth something but at the same time they bring me down, to then tell me they're sorry but how am I supposed to believe that. They say if something makes you sad or feel bad throw it out of your life or stop hanging around the people who make you feel bad about yourself, it's just not that easy. If the only thing that makes me feel alive breaks and destroys me is it still considered bad?

I wish I could decide what to feel or how to act sometimes. You know it's just not right or something changed but everyone tries to pretend it's completely fine.
I was the worse of myself back then but I can't say when or why it happened. I just know it did and it's strange how much I never wanted to be in that state but at the same time I know I will be back in it or I am already in it.
Right now, I think I am steady in a different way from how it used to be, at least I try to understand how to handle it.

I try to forget you,

but I can't remember to do it.

I don't want to make life difficult for you,

but I know I do.

I wish I could drown myself,

but every time I come up too fast.

I want to disappear for you,

you would have a better life,

less annoying.

I know I will never be enough for you,

or anyone.

It still hurts, 

wanting to stop but I can't hold it in.

I am running in circles and you don't have time for that.

I am too complicated to love,

to messed up to care about. 

I really thought it would get better with time, they say time heals but it makes just so much worse. I can't deal with all of this anymore and apparently no one seems to care enough or just can't understand me. I just don't want to go back and I mean it in more than just leaving the country.
Everything will come back. Everything I let go and left behind, it was just not me. I thought I can leave the past there but I can't. No one understands and I am too tired of explaining these emotions. It doesn't matter if you studied anything, because you don't feel this. Emptiness. Loneliness. I tried to fix myself after I fixed so many people. Maybe I am just giving up on being strong. I know where I was two years ago and I don't want to go back there but at this state I am in there's no other choice. I just think this time I'd give up, all the way.
This was a new start but in the end I will just be the mental one again, no matter how hard I try. I am not good enough, I have to accept that. Never was and never will be.
All these sleepless nights, those nights where I over think everything. Endless nights of crying. I can't handle it but I know no one would want to hear it because they'd think I over exaggerate but it's not that. People don't know half of the things I lived through and that I have done.
Sometimes, I think it will be a better life for everyone. It's going to be the same life they had because I just disappear anyway.. it doesn't matter to anyone if I am here or not..

I know it was never supposed to be easy but I just wish someone would hold me and tell me everything will be alright and work out..

If I write about you,
there are different one's.
Even in posts, they mix up. Mostly because future and past repeat in some ways or because I start about someone and then it switches to something that happened with another person. That doesn't mean I compare them, I just can't say names.. They are not comparable at all because there is one person who changed everything, who made me believe and gives me hope.

I am sitting here again just another Monday night, 

trying to finish the work I wanted but instead I try to find distraction.

Distraction because you are not here,

maybe I am just too naive to believe you.

I am sitting in my room on another Monday night,

working but never finding an end because I try to find you.

Maybe you are the one who's looking for me, 

or I can't be found.

Behind these walls sits someone,

not sure how to call it or if I even want to give it a name.

It's not recognizable.

People say it's normal,

to feel like this sometimes.

Everyone does, they say.

You have never lived like this,

I wish would've end it when I had the chance,

a few years ago.

Now,

it is just pretending to be someone.

Faking a smile and living with it.

I am still the same,

you know.

Remember what you did?

I do.

especially after seeing a part of a movie today,

she got raped, punished and murdered.

Funny, 

isn't it?

Sometimes I believe it would've been better,

if you did the last part not only mentally,
but physically.. 

So you still wish I was right by your side,

when you wake up in the morning,

after another sleepless night.

You wish I would hold you tonight,

so we can leave it all behind.

You didn't change a thing to have this life,

you're dreaming of.

Life isn't as easy as you wish and

I am not your little game.

Hard to believe for you,

I moved on.

Never will be the same, 

what we had was special but not efficient.

You still wish I was right by your side,

when you wake up in the morning,

after another sleepless night.

Loving you was like living in heaven,

losing you was hell.

Moving on was the best thing I ever did.

Not the one for you

You wanted me to look like you,

she wanted me to look like her, 

they wanted me to look like them.

Baby that's just not me,

find another kind of me to play your tricks on.

No, I am not the one for you.

I stopped listening to you

don't care what they say about me.

I should love not cry over myself.

The looks I got, I was too afraid to be me.

You wanted me to look like you,

she wanted me to look like her, 

they wanted me to look like them.

Baby that's just not me,

find another kind of me to play your tricks on.

No, I am not the one for you.

I know my life needed a change

dancing and flying far away

does it change?

Finding yourself is harder than you believe.

You wanted me to look like you,

she wanted me to look like her, 

they wanted me to look like them.

Baby that's just not me,

find another kind of me to play your tricks on.

No, I am not the one for you.

I am what I am and 

start to love it again.

confused by how to act..

do I actually know how to say what I want or am I pretending to do it just to not get hurt? I know I won't get hurt but we would get hurt in the end and it doesn't make it easier at all, I am aware of that. Do I understand it? No. How could I? I mean, we try to be what we are, right, I'm good with that and with anything else. But I don't understand why we can't just try for once,.. and with try I don't mean to run around telling everyone more than trying together and let it just go wherever it might go..
You tell me to be friends which I'm fine with, telling me we are best friends, yes for sure. But don't pretend to be something else in front of everyone. What do you tell people if they ask who I am? I want to know but again I don't because I am afraid what I would hear.
I love how it was, the start, now it's exhausting and frustrating at times and I really don't know how to handle this because I never had this before as dumb and naive that may sound. With 'this' I don't even know what to say about since I don't get it. I am used be around guys and having more guy friends but this is different. No matter what it is I am afraid to lose it, I am afraid to lose you and I think you will never understand how much you actually mean to me. I can't say it's love, I think it's more like a piece of me and you understand me in a way no one else does. I can't handle thinking about losing you because that would mean losing a part of me.
I know we will never be more or less than this however I wish I know what it is. Still, I wish we could talk about it and people would stop asking because they don't believe my answer even if it's true.
I wish I could just actually thank you for just being there for me or for listening to my absolute ridiculous stories without feeling awkward or making things awkward because I don't want it to be.
Can I just tell you how thankful I am to have you and that I can count on you no matter what?
Are you still happy to know me or do you just pretend because you think you have to?

And I am searching for words again

but you are not worth any of my songs, anymore.

Now you're touring again and our love is flying away,

you know I can't do this no more.

I loved you for so long,

but after all these years,

it's been so many days and there could've been so many ways.

There comes a point when even my love fades and it won't comeback.

Can we leave it all behind,

starting new, completely without each other.

Do we want to leave like we've never known each other.

Still it seems like you hold me back from falling in love with someone who's not you.

melodies and memories

sometimes if I feel lost or just want to be at my favorite town in my hometown I listen to the music which brings me back. Back to the memories and people. I pretend nothing ever changed because in that moment we were infinite. I swear even if it sounds pathetic, every moment will turn in just another memory and you will miss it or be happy to have been in that state.

melodies even bring me back into those times I just want to forget. But sometimes you can't change it, it reminds you of that time but there's a reason why you're not there anymore.

I know music is a life saver in different ways.

Sometimes, it's just weird how certain melodies, songs or lyrics bring you to a certain time, memory or place, you ask yourself why and especially why in that moment? but sadly that's just life and you can't stop your brain, mind or soul.

But in the end, music is besides taking pictures the best way to capture a moment which is fading to another memory..

what to do..

do you ever feel like not knowing what to do? I mean, I know what I am doing and what I want to be but I really don't know what this is.. and with this I mean something, but I just don't know what that something is. 

I want you to trust me and tell me how you feel but I don't want to tell you that, weird isn't it? We want people to just assume everything that goes on in our minds. But people can't read our minds as much as we want them to, doesn't happen.

I just wish you could just open yourself up for one last time and I promise you to not hurt you because as soon as I would do that I would hurt myself so much more. But it hurts me to see you that way and people keep asking me but too afraid to ask you because you are not friends with them but I just don't know if I go too far or not. I can't read your mind, I just know something's not right. It hurts me to see you this way..

rumor has it..

what I never understood is why people even start rumors about people they basically don't know. I mean, where's the reason or use for someone to hurt someone else. Even if it seems dumb or not as bad to you as to the person you are talking about. 

You will never know how much it hurts that someone, and no right now I am not talking about myself. But I know how much it hurts and I hate this, I can't stand rumors and I know there are a lot about me. In Canada and Germany and probably somewhere else but I really don't want to talk about that anymore because it hurt me and made vulnerable and it still hurts sometimes. As much as I don't want to listen, and I know no one ever wants to listen to rumors about themselves but people are chatty and that's why there are so many problems.

They say as long as people talk about you, you are important but at some points I rather be unimportant and not known at all than having to listen to the rumors people tell each other about me because it is not only annoying or hurting me but also really dangerous for me. 

To those who start rumors get your shit together and feel people alone, you are a bully and you just don't understand how people get affected by what you say..

Thankful for you..

Sometimes I wish I could tell people how much they mean to me and how thankful I am to have them in my life, without sounding like a total idiot. I mean, most of the people know it, that's what I think, but I would want to know in the way of hearing it from people as well instead of just wondering if they are glad you are there for them or for just listening to them.  I am just too afraid to tell it because I don't want them to think I am a freak or just someone who needs attention or anything.

Especially, if you are on the other side of the world and some of your friends are just sending you message or stay up to talk to you. This is what friends are, right? I miss some of them for sure, but you will see over months who's still sticking around and even if you knew not everyone would be sticking around it hurt, at the start. In the end, I am happy to call those people friends who are still there for me no matter what.

I am just glad to have found those amazing people and getting them to know more every time we talk or by just enjoying each others company. I am thankful for those who stick around and even understand me in some ways. 

In the end of the day, you should be able to say it was a great day with people who make you happy and smile, people who make your life worth living. If they don't you should probably stop hanging around with them because they don't make your life better.

My goal is to tell people how thankful I am to be in my life and even if they don't expect it or think it's weird, I just want to let them know because you will never know if the person just needs you to say it because they might be feeling bad about themselves and their life. I also think it's better to make people happy with just a little gesture then never letting them know at all and regretting it in the end. 

Never forget, we only have this one life and you shouldn't regret not doing something which you could do by just calling, texting or telling somebody.

just another thursday..

ever had the feeling of just not wanting to wake up on a day or just wanting to stay in bed for a looong amount of time..??

Thursday, is it just me or is Thursday just the worst day of the week, i mean the day before Friday has to be bad, eh? because it would be so close to the weekend but yet so far. It happened so much but yet nothing, I mean people are talking about the point that Justin Bieber got arrested and they handle it like it's the most important thing, oh and The Wanted broke up and by the way there might be a civil war in the Ukraine..
Literally, that's how people handle news?! Can we stop for a second, please? I think it's more important to talk about the Ukraine and safety and therefore peace on this planet but sure discuss freaking Justin Bieber..

My day? Well, I woke up and I thought it might be another snowday but it wasn't but that's fine because I just want to get my exams done. Anyways, yes I didn't feel too well since I still have migraine but I didn't complain because we should be happy for the point that we live(!!!)  We take this ALL for granted and think we can just take and hate, bully and be ignorant but in the end of the day you can't say you're happy. Ever thought about someone being so upset about something you said that they wanted to commit suicide? Well some people are getting too affected from your perspective but please just stop this, and with this I mean stop hating, talking behind each others backs, giving each other dirty looks or bullying. People are just people some may say they don't care and some might go and hide to cry and then there are people who want to die because you make them feel like they are unwanted or misplaced.
On another note, I am not talking about myself. I just wanted to let you know that people have feelings and everyone is different and handles things differently! You wouldn't believe me if I said how soon a life could end just because you bullied them. Every time you bully someone they will get scars in their soul and you can't erase them ever again. Think before you talk.

Today, I had to say goodbye to my hostsister, she became a really good friend to me and she is like my own sister to me. She's going to be in France for three months and I know it will be an awesome experience for her. This is the best thing you can do, an exchange, it is amazing and I know she will meet amazing people. She will have a blast.  We miss her already but she is always a skype call away, eh?!

So, it was just another thursday ...

quote of the day: 'love is louder than the pressure to be perfect.'

Life living

Right now, I sit in class and think about the point what would be if I wasn't here..
Sometimes it seems to good to be true and then it's like I've never been somewhere else..

I am the way I am and I wouldn't want to change that anymore, even if I wanted to at some point, that's over.. I mean, we somehow are never completely happy with ourselves but we can work on that since we can choose how to live our own life. Choose the life you want and not other people want you to..

'Even if you're the ripest, most beautiful peach in the world, there will still be a person who hates peaches.'

update

so i know i actually didn't post a lot on here yet and lately..
that's going to change since I will at least post three times a week, just about my life, how I feel and things that are going on..

stay tuned

Anna-Lena