I try to forget you,

but I can't remember to do it.

I don't want to make life difficult for you,

but I know I do.

I wish I could drown myself,

but every time I come up too fast.

I want to disappear for you,

you would have a better life,

less annoying.

I know I will never be enough for you,

or anyone.

It still hurts, 

wanting to stop but I can't hold it in.

I am running in circles and you don't have time for that.

I am too complicated to love,

to messed up to care about. 

I really thought it would get better with time, they say time heals but it makes just so much worse. I can't deal with all of this anymore and apparently no one seems to care enough or just can't understand me. I just don't want to go back and I mean it in more than just leaving the country.
Everything will come back. Everything I let go and left behind, it was just not me. I thought I can leave the past there but I can't. No one understands and I am too tired of explaining these emotions. It doesn't matter if you studied anything, because you don't feel this. Emptiness. Loneliness. I tried to fix myself after I fixed so many people. Maybe I am just giving up on being strong. I know where I was two years ago and I don't want to go back there but at this state I am in there's no other choice. I just think this time I'd give up, all the way.
This was a new start but in the end I will just be the mental one again, no matter how hard I try. I am not good enough, I have to accept that. Never was and never will be.
All these sleepless nights, those nights where I over think everything. Endless nights of crying. I can't handle it but I know no one would want to hear it because they'd think I over exaggerate but it's not that. People don't know half of the things I lived through and that I have done.
Sometimes, I think it will be a better life for everyone. It's going to be the same life they had because I just disappear anyway.. it doesn't matter to anyone if I am here or not..

I know it was never supposed to be easy but I just wish someone would hold me and tell me everything will be alright and work out..

If I write about you,
there are different one's.
Even in posts, they mix up. Mostly because future and past repeat in some ways or because I start about someone and then it switches to something that happened with another person. That doesn't mean I compare them, I just can't say names.. They are not comparable at all because there is one person who changed everything, who made me believe and gives me hope.

I am sitting here again just another Monday night, 

trying to finish the work I wanted but instead I try to find distraction.

Distraction because you are not here,

maybe I am just too naive to believe you.

I am sitting in my room on another Monday night,

working but never finding an end because I try to find you.

Maybe you are the one who's looking for me, 

or I can't be found.

Behind these walls sits someone,

not sure how to call it or if I even want to give it a name.

It's not recognizable.

People say it's normal,

to feel like this sometimes.

Everyone does, they say.

You have never lived like this,

I wish would've end it when I had the chance,

a few years ago.

Now,

it is just pretending to be someone.

Faking a smile and living with it.

I am still the same,

you know.

Remember what you did?

I do.

especially after seeing a part of a movie today,

she got raped, punished and murdered.

Funny, 

isn't it?

Sometimes I believe it would've been better,

if you did the last part not only mentally,
but physically.. 

So you still wish I was right by your side,

when you wake up in the morning,

after another sleepless night.

You wish I would hold you tonight,

so we can leave it all behind.

You didn't change a thing to have this life,

you're dreaming of.

Life isn't as easy as you wish and

I am not your little game.

Hard to believe for you,

I moved on.

Never will be the same, 

what we had was special but not efficient.

You still wish I was right by your side,

when you wake up in the morning,

after another sleepless night.

Loving you was like living in heaven,

losing you was hell.

Moving on was the best thing I ever did.