In October,
when the leafs fell to the ground and you gave up on me,
I knew had to either way find another way or end it.
I ended it right there,
killed the one I was and started out to be someone I never thought I'd be.
It feels awesome to be doing what I do,
but there is no love in this game,
I call him up just if I want him,
not for love but for what I want.

In October,
you stopped talking to me and by January,
I left not only but me and I am way too into what I am doing.
Caught up in something I never wanted but feels better than I would've believed.

I missed you but now it's not you that's missing but what you took away from me.
Trying to find something to fill the hole inside of me,
but no one could replace you and how you treated me.

seems like I am the most productive in the middle of night. However, this is not what I am writing this about..
In the last few days, I made some pretty big decisions and I am pretty excited about some of those and not so much about other ones.. I am not the one who takes long to make decisions, well I wasn't. Lately, I became fairly decidedly and it scares me. Especially, when it is about my future or about my feelings for someone. I am not sure what I feel at all anymore. I just know that if you are empty, you don't feel anything, but I for sure feel something even though it's a lot of pain. I am mostly afraid of losing and it doesn't matter what people say or don't, I feel alone even when I am in the middle of this city. I am walking in the biggest city, and you would think you meet new people but everyone is too busy looking up from their phones or can't start a new friendship because they are either way too afraid or have no time. Me, for example, the only thing I am actually doing is working. I am doing it to distract myself. From what? Sadness. Loneliness.
I really want to belong to someone, just the image of being happy and being truly loved by someone just seems so great and unbelievable. However, I am too afraid to take anything further with anyone. Every time I think I made progress I take two steps back.
I am stuck, stuck in a routine that I don't want and which is not me but I can't escape. I do this not only for me.
I know you have to open up to fall in love and that it feels awesome if you are loved back but honestly I am not only afraid but scared to death to fall in love and to get hurt all over again. I don't ant to be the one that's hurting again that is why I am doing what I do, especially when it comes to guys. It is easier to pretend to not be wanting a relationship and to just have fun although it literally brings you nowhere if you think about it any further and futurwise but I can't handle a relationship and I don't want to be hurt and to hurt someone.

someone new

who are you now?
what do you want to be?
where do you want to be in a few years?
are you happy?

well obviously most of us don't have answers to those questions but we get them asked a lot. If people asked me two years ago I exactly knew the answers and I still do but they changed in one way and one slightly bit. I mean, if someone asks me now I still answer truthfully but I don't tell people about my dreams anymore because a lot of them are afraid to believe that there is something bigger and better for me to come and some are just jealous of what I have achieved with only eighteen years. I know what's to come for me in just the next few months and I am happy for those who were in my life for seventeen, eight or even just the last year.
I mean what is time?
As cliché as it sounds, it doesn't matter for how long you know someone because the ones who 'knew' me never did and I lost so many people I used to call best and great friends in the just last few months and even got some old friends back who were happier than ever. I know some things won't change no matter how old I get, especially when it comes to some people.
I like the way I changed in just these couple of months and yes it is really hard to be apart but it's also great to see who actually cares and who wants me to find me again. I am stronger than before but still the same and my friends know that. And I would lie if I'd say I don't like the attention I am getting but again I am really self-conscious.
I am going my way now, and I won't care about their opinions anymore, at least I have to try and be there at some point eventually.

flashbacks

there are several days and nights that I will never forget or want to miss. But there is one day and one night I don't want to recap anymore, but the flashbacks come and go.
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was never that vulnerable. I was grateful and I still am that I have friends who were there for me, however I don't want to see their expressions from that night and morning anymore. It hurts. Every time I think I could have it another way, but I can't. That's probably why I am so afraid. Everyone is moving on, but still together. And here am I, alone, working and not doing anything besides planning how much longer I am stuck in this.
I knew I had to leave at some point but it still seems surreal, that I was there and that it's over and yes 'High School wasn't meant to last forever' but that's not what it's about.. It's about the memories and the people. I mean, how am I supposed to cope with it. I am not here, well physically but not mentally and I don't want to be.
Why am I holding on?
I knew it will be over but I would have never thought it would be this hard.Maybe I know it won't be the same when we see each other again, and it's a good reason for some of them to not talk to me again. I understand that.


[Daylight - Maroon5]

Still, I might be on a good way and hope I am, there is no darker place, that I have ever seen, than the inside of myself. I still hate myself not as much as I used to but still a lot and I think it is hard to explain to people. I often hear that people get themselves into depression because they just have negative thought but people don't know a thing. Honestly, depression is a serious illness. and if someone with depression has a better day it doesn't mean he's not depressed anymore, the day is still grey just without the rain. things will get better, eventually but you can't force it. Depression is one of the worst things this world has seen. Depression changes the character of a person, a lot of people can act around it so people around them don't realize it but that it is just so they won't throw a pity party or tell them that they should stop making everything negative. But telling someone with depression to just think positively is like telling someone with a broken leg to just run the marathon.

Sometimes, I start to wonder how my life would be if things turned out in an ordinary life of a girl. I mean all the things that had happened. What if this was just a dream and I will wake up living in a house with my whole family and my aunts and grandma would actually love me. But then again I guess this all happened for a reason and the family I have is closer than anything else.
However, I sometimes wonder about how I would be if I never had been bullied or bulimic. I will never know I just hope, in the end, everything will turn out just right, although it might be hard just now.
Recovery, always sounds so easy to people but it is everything but that. You will have times when everything's just comes right back in your face but there will also be times where you feel like you could conquer the oceans. Breakdowns just come and go but it is good because I believe you learn from it. What to do and what not to do. I believe that there will be a day when I can say I am happy and that nothing's gonna bring me down. And that I now say and wrote that I believe in that one day I actually believe myself. I hope and long for that day because I just really want to be at a state of mind where I can say that I am truly happy. I want to be able that I truly love myself and that I won against my demons. I am glad that I made it this day and I will start to make every day the best day although nothing exciting or great is happening. I will do it for me because I need to make sure to get better and to accept myself.
After several years, of pain I made a decision to show the world who I wanted to be seen as, I am still on that way but I am getting closer each day. Especially, since I found a place where I could be myself and where I was appreciated. I just started as the new girl and people liked me for me and who I was, they were friends with me for who I am. Most of them will probably never fully understand why they made me so happy to belong somewhere and to be called a good friend. They didn't judge me and for once I truly felt like home because it's true friends are the family you choose to have. And those people are my family and I mean it, I feel like I have known them for much longer and that's why it is this hard to be so far away and not being able to just see them or catch up. I just hope it will be as it was and we will make some even greater memories when we see each other again. I am happy to call a place so far away home, although it is hard to be on the other side.
It is nice to know that people do love you for who you are even though you are still trying to love and accept yourself. People who believe in you and support you.
I think I am on a good way, hard times will come and go but that's why we should appreciate the present and don't take people who are there for you for granted.

it's funny how hard it is to explain when you have an answer but you are too afraid to tell it. maybe you are too afraid of the reaction or just not strong enough. i definitely know that i don't trust people enough,.. a lot of people think they know me but most of them don't. yes, i talk a lot and they might think they know a ton but they just don't.
As soon as i think i can trust a person or they start to slightly understand me, something happens so i lose that trust again. Sometimes, they say they are okay with who i am and who i was but they slowly turn around and leave even though they promised to be different and nothing would change.