In October,
when the leafs fell to the ground and you gave up on me,
I knew had to either way find another way or end it.
I ended it right there,
killed the one I was and started out to be someone I never thought I'd be.
It feels awesome to be doing what I do,
but there is no love in this game,
I call him up just if I want him,
not for love but for what I want.

In October,
you stopped talking to me and by January,
I left not only but me and I am way too into what I am doing.
Caught up in something I never wanted but feels better than I would've believed.

I missed you but now it's not you that's missing but what you took away from me.
Trying to find something to fill the hole inside of me,
but no one could replace you and how you treated me.

seems like I am the most productive in the middle of night. However, this is not what I am writing this about..
In the last few days, I made some pretty big decisions and I am pretty excited about some of those and not so much about other ones.. I am not the one who takes long to make decisions, well I wasn't. Lately, I became fairly decidedly and it scares me. Especially, when it is about my future or about my feelings for someone. I am not sure what I feel at all anymore. I just know that if you are empty, you don't feel anything, but I for sure feel something even though it's a lot of pain. I am mostly afraid of losing and it doesn't matter what people say or don't, I feel alone even when I am in the middle of this city. I am walking in the biggest city, and you would think you meet new people but everyone is too busy looking up from their phones or can't start a new friendship because they are either way too afraid or have no time. Me, for example, the only thing I am actually doing is working. I am doing it to distract myself. From what? Sadness. Loneliness.
I really want to belong to someone, just the image of being happy and being truly loved by someone just seems so great and unbelievable. However, I am too afraid to take anything further with anyone. Every time I think I made progress I take two steps back.
I am stuck, stuck in a routine that I don't want and which is not me but I can't escape. I do this not only for me.
I know you have to open up to fall in love and that it feels awesome if you are loved back but honestly I am not only afraid but scared to death to fall in love and to get hurt all over again. I don't ant to be the one that's hurting again that is why I am doing what I do, especially when it comes to guys. It is easier to pretend to not be wanting a relationship and to just have fun although it literally brings you nowhere if you think about it any further and futurwise but I can't handle a relationship and I don't want to be hurt and to hurt someone.

someone new

who are you now?
what do you want to be?
where do you want to be in a few years?
are you happy?

well obviously most of us don't have answers to those questions but we get them asked a lot. If people asked me two years ago I exactly knew the answers and I still do but they changed in one way and one slightly bit. I mean, if someone asks me now I still answer truthfully but I don't tell people about my dreams anymore because a lot of them are afraid to believe that there is something bigger and better for me to come and some are just jealous of what I have achieved with only eighteen years. I know what's to come for me in just the next few months and I am happy for those who were in my life for seventeen, eight or even just the last year.
I mean what is time?
As cliché as it sounds, it doesn't matter for how long you know someone because the ones who 'knew' me never did and I lost so many people I used to call best and great friends in the just last few months and even got some old friends back who were happier than ever. I know some things won't change no matter how old I get, especially when it comes to some people.
I like the way I changed in just these couple of months and yes it is really hard to be apart but it's also great to see who actually cares and who wants me to find me again. I am stronger than before but still the same and my friends know that. And I would lie if I'd say I don't like the attention I am getting but again I am really self-conscious.
I am going my way now, and I won't care about their opinions anymore, at least I have to try and be there at some point eventually.