seems like I am the most productive in the middle of night. However, this is not what I am writing this about..
In the last few days, I made some pretty big decisions and I am pretty excited about some of those and not so much about other ones.. I am not the one who takes long to make decisions, well I wasn't. Lately, I became fairly decidedly and it scares me. Especially, when it is about my future or about my feelings for someone. I am not sure what I feel at all anymore. I just know that if you are empty, you don't feel anything, but I for sure feel something even though it's a lot of pain. I am mostly afraid of losing and it doesn't matter what people say or don't, I feel alone even when I am in the middle of this city. I am walking in the biggest city, and you would think you meet new people but everyone is too busy looking up from their phones or can't start a new friendship because they are either way too afraid or have no time. Me, for example, the only thing I am actually doing is working. I am doing it to distract myself. From what? Sadness. Loneliness.
I really want to belong to someone, just the image of being happy and being truly loved by someone just seems so great and unbelievable. However, I am too afraid to take anything further with anyone. Every time I think I made progress I take two steps back.
I am stuck, stuck in a routine that I don't want and which is not me but I can't escape. I do this not only for me.
I know you have to open up to fall in love and that it feels awesome if you are loved back but honestly I am not only afraid but scared to death to fall in love and to get hurt all over again. I don't ant to be the one that's hurting again that is why I am doing what I do, especially when it comes to guys. It is easier to pretend to not be wanting a relationship and to just have fun although it literally brings you nowhere if you think about it any further and futurwise but I can't handle a relationship and I don't want to be hurt and to hurt someone.