flashbacks

there are several days and nights that I will never forget or want to miss. But there is one day and one night I don't want to recap anymore, but the flashbacks come and go.
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was never that vulnerable. I was grateful and I still am that I have friends who were there for me, however I don't want to see their expressions from that night and morning anymore. It hurts. Every time I think I could have it another way, but I can't. That's probably why I am so afraid. Everyone is moving on, but still together. And here am I, alone, working and not doing anything besides planning how much longer I am stuck in this.
I knew I had to leave at some point but it still seems surreal, that I was there and that it's over and yes 'High School wasn't meant to last forever' but that's not what it's about.. It's about the memories and the people. I mean, how am I supposed to cope with it. I am not here, well physically but not mentally and I don't want to be.
Why am I holding on?
I knew it will be over but I would have never thought it would be this hard.Maybe I know it won't be the same when we see each other again, and it's a good reason for some of them to not talk to me again. I understand that.


[Daylight - Maroon5]

Still, I might be on a good way and hope I am, there is no darker place, that I have ever seen, than the inside of myself. I still hate myself not as much as I used to but still a lot and I think it is hard to explain to people. I often hear that people get themselves into depression because they just have negative thought but people don't know a thing. Honestly, depression is a serious illness. and if someone with depression has a better day it doesn't mean he's not depressed anymore, the day is still grey just without the rain. things will get better, eventually but you can't force it. Depression is one of the worst things this world has seen. Depression changes the character of a person, a lot of people can act around it so people around them don't realize it but that it is just so they won't throw a pity party or tell them that they should stop making everything negative. But telling someone with depression to just think positively is like telling someone with a broken leg to just run the marathon.

Sometimes, I start to wonder how my life would be if things turned out in an ordinary life of a girl. I mean all the things that had happened. What if this was just a dream and I will wake up living in a house with my whole family and my aunts and grandma would actually love me. But then again I guess this all happened for a reason and the family I have is closer than anything else.
However, I sometimes wonder about how I would be if I never had been bullied or bulimic. I will never know I just hope, in the end, everything will turn out just right, although it might be hard just now.
Recovery, always sounds so easy to people but it is everything but that. You will have times when everything's just comes right back in your face but there will also be times where you feel like you could conquer the oceans. Breakdowns just come and go but it is good because I believe you learn from it. What to do and what not to do. I believe that there will be a day when I can say I am happy and that nothing's gonna bring me down. And that I now say and wrote that I believe in that one day I actually believe myself. I hope and long for that day because I just really want to be at a state of mind where I can say that I am truly happy. I want to be able that I truly love myself and that I won against my demons. I am glad that I made it this day and I will start to make every day the best day although nothing exciting or great is happening. I will do it for me because I need to make sure to get better and to accept myself.
After several years, of pain I made a decision to show the world who I wanted to be seen as, I am still on that way but I am getting closer each day. Especially, since I found a place where I could be myself and where I was appreciated. I just started as the new girl and people liked me for me and who I was, they were friends with me for who I am. Most of them will probably never fully understand why they made me so happy to belong somewhere and to be called a good friend. They didn't judge me and for once I truly felt like home because it's true friends are the family you choose to have. And those people are my family and I mean it, I feel like I have known them for much longer and that's why it is this hard to be so far away and not being able to just see them or catch up. I just hope it will be as it was and we will make some even greater memories when we see each other again. I am happy to call a place so far away home, although it is hard to be on the other side.
It is nice to know that people do love you for who you are even though you are still trying to love and accept yourself. People who believe in you and support you.
I think I am on a good way, hard times will come and go but that's why we should appreciate the present and don't take people who are there for you for granted.

it's funny how hard it is to explain when you have an answer but you are too afraid to tell it. maybe you are too afraid of the reaction or just not strong enough. i definitely know that i don't trust people enough,.. a lot of people think they know me but most of them don't. yes, i talk a lot and they might think they know a ton but they just don't.
As soon as i think i can trust a person or they start to slightly understand me, something happens so i lose that trust again. Sometimes, they say they are okay with who i am and who i was but they slowly turn around and leave even though they promised to be different and nothing would change.

your broken promises, lies and secrets

Isn't funny how when we trust someone and let our walls down because we think they won't hurt us they will?
Over the last few years I built my walls so high that I barely trust anyone and it takes a lot to win my trust. Although it seems like I am really outgoing and everything, it's a show. People, don't understand me. And every time they did, they made sure to break my heart after I trusted them and open my heart to them. That's why I am not that easy. But honestly, I wish I could just trust. Without regrets or anything.
I did trust people in my life, but most of the time they showed me why I shouldn't. However, once more I did and it was really hard for me but I thought I can trust that person even though we haven't known each other for long. But it doesn't matter about the time or quantity, it's about the memories and the quality of the friendship or whatever connection you have with someone. So, this is really hard.. but I opened up to that person and believe me this was the hardest and easiest thing to do because I felt comfortable. I finally felt like someone, that I was important to someone, as a friend. The person liked me for who I was and for who I longed to be and I thought this was worth something to the both of us.
There were promises that person made and it seemed so honest but apparently it wasn't, since I can't shake the feeling off that I was somehow used. Why? Well the person doesn't seem so close anymore since some things changed and yes I do understand but what I don't is how I was called a best friend. Because if that's how you treat your friends than I don't want to be one of those anymore, it hurts and it sucks. I am not blaming anyone but I knew this would happen but you promised it wouldn't so what am I supposed to even think or do because I am tired of just being there as a back up plan or a person to use when you feel sad because other people don't have time for you.
If you meant the promises you made I wouldn't be feeling like a no one and idiot again. Even though I hate to admit it, I knew this would happen again and I might just don't trust anymore and I probably won't let these wall fall down to show someone who I actually am. You broke your promises and I can't even say that you are a good friend anymore. And honey coating everything doesn't make this any better and I really feel horrible.
I thought things would be safe and secrets would be safe with you but I don't really think they are and especially now that I can't control it anymore.

You don't know how much I cried over this friendship. It just hurts and maybe you think I am over exaggerating but this is not how I thought it would be. I knew you would stop talking with me and we both know the reason but that is not even a good one.
I am just hurt and disappointed not only in you but in me for telling you basically everything and what I have been through. You hit me at my most vulnerable spot. And I was never in love with you at any time.
This is not written in any angry way but more in a really hurt and sad way, because I don't know how to handle this and if I want to handle this anymore if I am the only one trying to make an effort in that so called friendship.

Just a last note, I thought you were different and I trusted you.  

take a step back, breathe and start over

I think it's hard to keep up with everything,.. and I don't mean with writing the blog, writing songs or doing different things. 

I mean keeping up with life, have you ever just stopped doing what you're doing to take a step back and just watch what is happening around you?

how are we supposed to know how we should feel and what to do at such a young age. People will tell you to keep on dreaming and to work for your dreams but most of them don't realize it how hard that is. You could just miss out, I mean you miss out on life when you constantly work and you don't see your friends anymore.. 

However, taking a step back and just rest for a bit without feeling judged would be great but that is also not really happening. Most of us just say we are too busy to just relax or go out at night. I think. we should just take a risk, I mean what is there to lose besides great memories you are missing out on, but I am one to talk about that...

Being afraid of the new is just human but we should stop looking for excuses to not go and find out what there is for us, what this life holds for us. 

Take a step back, read a good book, relax and just be yourself. There will never be anything wrong with being yourself and if people think so, they don't belong in your life. And yes, it is hard to sort out all these thing, to lose people you thought who were really good friends to you but I guess this is all just a part of growing up. Losing, letting go and hurting, there will open another door right? You go through rough times, but don't we all?! I know it is hard to believe in the moment you lose someone but they only bring you down and they will bring out the worse in you, so just let it go and after a while it will be better. It will make sense. Eventually. 

So, call an old friend or message them. Maybe it seems slightly weird and awkward in the beginning but maybe they were wondering what you were doing the past years and months. You will never know if you don't take that risk, you know. And even if they don't answer or respond, they will be happy that someone special from their past was still thinking of them because we all have our downs.

Tell people you love them, it doesn't matter if the one you are in love with right now doesn't love you the same way because they will appreciate you telling them. It's hard to believe that rejection is good for us. They are happy and glad someone loved them because how do they know you do, if you never say it.

Tell your friends how important they are to you, and even if they just say 'thank you but we are friends you don't have to tell me'. Secretly they are really happy and longing to hear it. How do I know? Well, I would be happy and I am happy if someone told me they are loving me for who I am. And with loving I mean in a friendly way. People don't understand that you love your friends and you can tell them you do and that you are glad to have them because it is important to you and if it is to you so it will to your friends.

Tomorrow, take just a few minutes for yourself, listen to your favorite music and relax. Tell someone how you feel about them because you will be happier and relieved after it.